Day 4.
It seemed, that it is not safe anymore to let Jojo23, our spy alone to planet Earth. (See Day 1-3 below). We decided to add a partner to him.
It is nowadays not easy to get a member of the IOP (Invading Other Planets) there are several tests to pass including laser shooting, vodka resistance and rap-song recognizing, in addition: intermediate Serbian knowledge is needed. (See “Day 2” below). Overall 10 million candidates applied for the position. We don’t quite know, why only 1% of our city submitted a CV. Probably because of the Serbian.
Anyway at the end of the process, we have chosen Dyoga101 to assist to Jojo23. He was the best candidate. He resolved the 300 logic tests in 2 minutes. This means, that there are at least 100 tests, which he had done without reading the question or the description. Amazing! His vodka resistance is great. As he explained: he heard about the job, so he smartly mutated his inner organs for maximal effect. He told us, this is an old method, first used by Mel Gibson. His laser shooting records are significant as well. He didn’t miss a single target. This is a supernatural result, because shooting was after the vodka tests.
The only disturbing thing is hiss attitude. He commented all his shots like: “Die, f**king earth-rat” or, “Take this, homo human!” He didn’t use the same text twice. 450 targets, 450 different sentences. Weird! Most disturbing was the end of the session. He was out of ammo, and he already eliminated all the moving targets, which were automatically dropped out from simulated paper-human-houses. He holstered his weapon, and started to destroy the paper buildings with hand grenades while he screamed: “You don’t deserve a home, mutant humans! ”
We deducted the shooting range renovation costs from Dyoga’s salary and prepared him for his mission with Jojo23. Update comes tomorrow.
Day 3.
After our young alien spy: Jojo23 had to spend a night with some pushy, Serbian alcoholic humans (see “Day 2.” below) on Earth, he lost 100 00031 brain cells.
We new, that you morons have some nuclear bombs, which can cause some… “visible” damage. But the brutal-vodka-mixes that you gave to Jojo where devastating. He was in this mental status absolutely useless for us. To be honest: even at this moment he was still 100031 times more intelligent then several human politicians.
We asked him what exactly happened. Mostly he can provide thousands terabyte information in nanoseconds using telepathy, but this time he permanently showed dance moves, that we could not classify and rapped texts from significant dark skinned humans mixed with bizarre Serbian words… like:
"I feel like Black Jesus got his hands on mehez,
And put me-hгaе where I'm supposed to be..."
It was in some way strange how he awkwardly danced and gestured like rapper from a ghetto with his amputated fingers (see “Day 1.” below). I mean with fingers he had left…
As he was useless in this condition, we videotaped his “performance” to cheer us up in our dark hours and we put him into the medic cabin so his brain was healed in 1.9 seconds. I don’t know what took so damn long, but I escalated the Cabin Manager for the delay.
It turned out, that Jojo brought tons of empty bear cans from Earth with the spaceship. We deducted the cleaning costs from his salary and prepared him to his next mission.
Update comes tomorrow!
Day 2.
Our spy, Jojo23 did not accept the position we offered him (Spaceship Washing Manager - see "Day 1." below) and claimed to be ready for another mission to spy the human race before the invasion…
He landed in Kosovo late in the night. His task was to enter a house and to abduct the owner.
Just like trained before, he started observe the property from outside, because he heard some strange noise from inside. Later it turned out: it was some auto-tuned, Serbian cover version of a Snoop Dogg song. He tried to fall back to the ship, but a 19 years old human creature dressed like a penguin stopped him and said: “Yo, kinda cool dress code you have, yoo! But you have a ffff fuckin fail face man! Let’s upgrade this with some vodka!! C’mon!! Party!!!!!”
Jojo23 speaks the languages of 98 solar systems. Unfortunately those don’t include the north-Serbian dialect, which was used. He got dragged into the house, and aggressively introduced to all possible vodka varieties of the region. He tried several times to exit the building, but as he stand up, people surrounded him and “dance, green gnome!!” screaming used him, to tune up the party.
Finally he could escape, and enter the hidden space ship as he was told to bring out the empty bear cans. Thankfully he arrived on our planet. (The drive takes 2 minutes, but as he “visited” 3 other solar systems by mistake he arrived a little late).
We conducted from Jojo’s salary the price of the control panel of the ship, on which he vomited and sent him to have some rest.
Nice try again, humans!!!
Update comes tomorrow!
Day 1.
Before the invasion we sent a spy-ship to Earth. It landed in Siberia. The space ship is made of hyper-quadro-titanium and resist even nuclear rockets. Hm? You cannot imagine stuff like this can you? Ha-ha! Sure, You are just developing Play Station…What an epic fail-race. Gosh…
Well, our spy, Jojo23 landed with his ship. Unfortunately the door was jammed for 10 minutes in the damn -40 C Russian winter!!! (I think our first thing will be to napalm the region. I plan mini golf club in that area anyway.) Jojo23 activated the high-thermo-system and entered the surface. He spent 2.45654 seconds outside, then he returned with 3 frozen fingers, that the team in the ship had to amputee. He continued his mission without getting cold in his anti-celsius-jacket, which is created by 70 stylists, looks enormous and weights only 4 Grams. (Zipper: 2 Grams).
The mission was aborted, because Jojo23 was surrounded by 15 Siberian male, perverse deer. I won’t describe in details what happened. We deducted the price of the ripped anti-celsius-jacket from Jojo’s salary and we offered him another valuable position. (Ship washing manager.)
Nice try, damn humans to send those creatures against our spy. But this is just the beginning!!!
Update comes tomorrow!
